You might remember me writing about a great organizing self-help book I discovered last summer.  Though this may be a slippery slope, I recommended it to many of those closest to my everyday life: my husband, my boss, my whole team at the office during a training.  Surprisingly, I don't think I offended anyone, and I hope I didn't offend one of my colleagues when I asked to borrow my copy back from her today.

As I try to begin a new photo project, take on more responsibilities at work, and catch up on all the household chores we've let slide lately, it's been a rough road.  Post-it notes and stacks of paper have accumulated on my desk.  Simple tasks -- like signing out the conference room, for example -- have slipped my mind.  My to-do list has officially reached a length where I sit at my desk and wonder just what it is I need to do.

I tell this story not to advertise the book again -- the last name thing is just a coincidence, okay? -- but to point out how all this can stifle the creative process.  Unhealthy disorganization absolutely kills self-esteem, which makes beginning a challenging new project especially hard.  There are many BFAs in my cohort who spend "more time thinking about art than creating it."  Clearly this is a problem we all need to confront and deal with at some point.

The hardest part is, I know my lack of motivation/impetus to sing, play music, make art, open and sort the mail, keep the house clean, etc. doesn't spring from a lack of joy in doing those things.  Most likely, it springs from an imbalance in my brain chemistry, something I have to work hard every day to reign in.

Plenty of artists -- perhaps a disproportionate number -- struggle with this, and in many creative individuals a little chaos is even considered unique, inspired, non-conforming.  The reality is, for some of us it can be crippling.

So I am breaking out my book again, admitting my word isn't as good as it was a few months ago, and acknowledging that staying on top of my game -- and that means being happy, confident and productive -- is a hard process not without its backtracks and obstacles.  I have to imagine it's like and addiction in some ways: going through the steps, seeking support, and feeling like I'm swimming against the current of my natural state of being every day in order to stay in a good place.  But I just need to focus on the positive reinforcement I get from every forward step I take, no matter how slow the progress.